WINNEMUCCA, NV—Eight-year-old Ella Neumark said Saturday that in recent weeks she has become increasingly aware of how her adorable physical characteristics make her superior to unattractive girls.
Ella told reporters she has only lately begun to appreciate how her wide, expressive eyes, shiny blond hair, and flawlessly straight teeth cause her to be a far more worthy human being than her less appealing peers.
"I never really noticed it before, but my prettiness makes me better than every girl who isn't as pretty as me," Ella said. "The face I have means I deserve more attention than anyone whose face isn't as good."
"Mrs. Hothan calls on me all the time in class because my eyes, nose, and mouth are a certain way, and that's why she also gives me more time to answer questions," Ella continued. "She likes to look at me, so she's nice to me. Other girls don't get treated as nice because they aren't nearly as good to look at. That's so amazing."
Ella's growing recognition that her cuteness endows her with intrinsically greater value than girls who are overweight or possess thick eyebrows has reportedly caused her to see her friendships differently. The third-grader said she has begun to fully understand that she can in fact exploit her appearance to obtain benefits she believes she is entitled to.
"Girls who aren't as cute as I am will want to be friends with me, because if I like them, they'll feel less ugly," said Ella, adding that, conversely, the opinion of a girl covered in gross freckles wouldn't matter in the slightest. "I bet I can make them do my homework or carry my books or anything I want. If they don't, I can stop being their friend, and they'll be really sad and have to be friends with girls who look as ugly as they do."
"Isn't that cool?" Ella added.
In addition, Ella told reporters she has been equally delighted to discover her beauty has earned her significant advantages at home. Despite the fact that she bears a definite resemblance to her sister Melissa, Ella said her own more exceptional physical features nevertheless seem to have garnered her preferential treatment from her parents.
"If I want to go out for pizza or a movie, all I have to do is ask," Ella said. "I used to wonder why, and now I understand: I'm supposed to be happier than my sister. I'm really cute, and I get to have whatever I want; my sister has a really big nose, so she doesn't. I bet Mom and Dad love me more, too. Who could blame them?"
Ella said she was hopeful her appearance would continue to elevate her far above other girls and was eagerly anticipating being rewarded for her looks for years to come.
"I can't wait to see how being adorable helps me next," Ella said. "I'm excited to find out how far out of their way people will go to make me smile and make my problems disappear. My life's going to be great!"
"I'm a lucky girl," she added
As I read through articles on theonion.com, I found myself compelled to read more, and I completely forgot that I was there for a purpose. As I read and giggled like the schoolgirl that I am, I became increasingly aware of the metatextual elements of the articles. The definition of metafiction is fiction that draws attention to itself, destroying the illusion of fiction that we, as readers, create. In the case of The Onion, their news is most certainly aware of itself. The article above would never be published from a reputable news source: it is irrelevant, silly, and mildly offensive; however, the fact the The Onion presents the article as valid news shows that they are satirizing the very act of journalism. The authors are very aware that what they are presenting as news isn't actually news, but they present it in such a convincing manner that it could lead some people to actually believe it. They write these metatextual articles to make people question the news. For example, the article above. It seems legitimate, is well written, has quotes and photos, and could be taken as real news, but it is complete bogus. Articles from the Onion are not written to accurately depict content, they are written to make the reader be more aware of the places from which they get their news.
It is websites like The Onion that twist the relationship between reader and journalist. On one hand, we have the authors of the articles exerting power over the reader: they write convincingly enough to be read as proper news. If the reader believes what the journalist has written, then the journalist has succeeded in his/her job of proving that people are willing to accept anything as newsworthy as long as it has a professional layout and seemingly accurate statistics. On the other hand, we have the people who realize that sites like The Onion are satirical and metatextual, and then go on to question the role they have in discerning proper news from fake news. Either way, the satirical nature of websites like The Onion is, in reality, metafiction itself: drawing attention to the falseness to show a greater truth.
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